Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely outside of put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let's have another area where by American Adult males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is smooth electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he ought to quit employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a element being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following finding the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It is not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Confusing Features

Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium wherever company may ponder obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The job is already attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

Trump Tower Damascus

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will also incorporate:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a hotel the place my PTSD might have change-down assistance."

A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."